Are We Offering Grace, or Just Another Program?

by Bart Campolo 05-13-2009

I really like Marlena, but that doesn’t mean she is a good person. She is smart and easy to talk to, but only if you are talking about her stuff. She is attractive and has her hair done every week, but every month she asks to borrow rent money. She loves her kids, but she lies a lot and has taught them to do the same. She’s been through more houses, jobs, men, and resolutions than anyone I know, always looking for a better deal. So then, even though she clearly understands and openly embraces what our little fellowship is about, it is easy to wonder how long she’d stay with us if our friendship wasn’t such a bargain.

Lately I find myself wondering about that bargain, about whether the ‘grace’ my friends and I give our neighbors here is anything like the real thing. I mean, on one level offering our love without condition to broken people in a hard place sounds like a righteous thing to do. Moving into this neighborhood to establish genuine friendships across seemingly insurmountable barriers of race, class, and culture sounds more authentic than just dropping in to establish food, clothing, medical care, education, or housing programs.

For someone like Marlena, however, I wonder if our unconditional friendship isn’t just another program after all. When she comes over for a loan or asks Marty or I for a ride to the doctor, we generally treat her the same way we would Ric or Karen next door, who are our ‘real’ friends. It doesn’t feel the same, though, partly because Marlena is in no position to return our favors, and partly because so many of her immediate needs are caused by amoral, ghetto decision-making we would never tolerate in a real friend.

On Monday, for example, she called me sobbing just as I was preparing the game and a little five-minute talk about the value of community for that night’s fellowship dinner. “I just got a call from my son’s baby-mama. The girl he’s living with now stabbed him three times last night! He’s in the hospital there and he might die … Oh Bart, I told him to quit that girl! I’m going crazy here!” I began to comfort her like a pastor, but she cut me off. “Can you use your computer to help me and Shonda get plane tickets to Newark tonight? I’ve been calling my family to borrow the money, but nobody seems to care enough to help … but if I come up with it, will you buy them for me?”

Remember, we don’t have a program here, just relationships. Marlena and I are supposed to be friends. So, before I headed to her house, I called my travel agent and put on hold a pair of $170 tickets, leaving three hours later out of Louisville, 100 miles away. On my way over, I called Marty to see what she thought I should do.

“What choice do you have?” she said. “Marlena knows we have that kind of money, and she knows we’d buy those tickets if it was our kid having open heart surgery tonight. If she’s really our friend, we have to help her.” She paused. “Now remind me again why we do this?”

You see the problem, don’t you? I mean, it is no big deal to help a friend when she finds herself in trouble after doing everything right. It’s a whole different thing, however, when your friend has no money because she quit her job after the boss disrespected her, bought a big purebred dog she can’t afford to feed, and drinks more beer in a week than you drink in a year. Or when her own family won’t help her because, well, they’ve all burned each other too many times. Or when the son she’s crying over has two kids by two different women and is freeloading off a third, who probably didn’t stab him for no reason. Or when the daughter she’s taking with her has already told you she doesn’t want or need a man to help raise her own babies when she has them. In other words, when this kind of ghetto drama is bound to just keep on coming.

And yet, help her I did. I bought the tickets with the fellowship’s credit card, not knowing if or when we (meaning you too, if you’re a supporter) will ever get paid back, and I got one of our young single guys to drive Marlena and Sonya down to Louisville, and I knelt on their front steps to pray with them before they left. Now, a few days later, Marlena’s son is just hanging on, and so is my confidence that I really know what I am doing here.

Giving grace? Maybe. But if it is grace at all, it certainly isn’t the same kind that God gives. God, after all, is no sucker. He may make all the goodness in the world available to anyone who wants it, but as far as I can tell, you have to actually want that goodness in order to actualize it. God makes the first move, over and over until you respond, but it takes two to tango. The gift is being shown the way, and being allowed to learn how to dance in good company, so you show up in shape for the party.

I like Marlena, but that doesn’t mean she is a good person. I gave her my friendship, but she hasn’t earned it. Now what?

Bart Campolo is a veteran urban minister and activist who speaks, writes, and blogs about grace, faith, loving relationships, and social justice. Bart is the leader of The Walnut Hills Fellowship in inner-city Cincinnati. He is also founder of Mission Year, which recruits committed young adults to live and work among the poor in inner-city neighborhoods across the U.S., and executive director of EAPE, which develops and supports innovative, cost-effective mission projects around the world.

Categories: Ministry, Poverty

Tags: baby mama, City, class, Community, culture, faith, Family, friend, friendship, ghetto, Kids, love, medical care, money, neighbor, neighborhood, Poor, pray, Race, real friend, sin, unconditional friendship, Urban, Women

ando

Unfortunately, Bart, your story is not that uncommon. It just takes on different forms. While God does offer unconditional love, He also commands us to "go and sin no more." He stirs us with a still, small voice. We must choose to listen.

I don't have any pat answers, but it's painful and heartbreaking to hear such stories. How do we separate grace from a lving, but stern response to sin? I think the modern-day welfare system has done much to break the spirit of so many people. Another topic, I know, but still related.

bonnienic1

I agree that the story is not uncommon and that there are no pat answers. You have to meet people where they are, love them unconditionally the way Jesus loves us. But you don't leave them there. Jesus' love transforms people - but the transformation process is not easy. Sometimes a tougher love is needed and it's usually messy and unclear. Only the Holy Spirit can guide in building trust and relationship that he can use in real transformation. With all the best intentions, it's easy to become an enabler rather than a change agent and that's not helpful. It's good that we all live in God's bountiful grace.

I work in a ministry called Sparrow's Nest with single moms and their children. To be in our program the women have to turn over control of all their finances to us - (we meet with them weekly to determine how the money gets spent.) This goes against all my social work training of self-determination. It's tough, but over time you see the change in thinking and in behavior as people learn to become more self sufficient. It's a dramatic and lasting change. We train a supportive team to walk alongside the family in the process and also as a part of the program offer the opportunity to purchase the mobile home that they've been living in (purchased by a local church) for a token fee of $10. True change and home ownership can break the cycle, one family at a time - but it's not easy and we're always walking that line, led by the Holy Spirit, between grace and truth and mercy and justice.

ando

Thank you for your story. I have a number of fifth graders whose families might be potentially transformed by such a ministry. While the needs are many, I often feel my hands are tied working in a public school.

keithsmith

A big AMEN from this public school teacher.

SisterMarie

Bart,

I really admire you and appreciate the ministry that God has called you to do. Thank you for your work in feeding the hungry and binding up the wounds of hurting people. You also run the risk of enabling irresponsible behaviour, and I fear that your purchase of plane tickets might have crossed the line.

squeaky

It is tough, and I appreciate your desire to work in such a challenging mission field. I do think there are times when we end up enabling people we think we are helping, and in turn, we end up not helping them at all. There may be other means of helping a person than continually bailing them out. Finding ways to teach life skills and coping skills which would help them avoid getting themselves into these repeated messes seems far more useful than repeatedly cleaning up after the mess. It's tough to see that when you are right in the midst of it.

keithsmith

I agree totally.

I would love to teach life skills and coping skills things that they will need every single day of their life but having those tests scores matchup with Japan is more important and I have to teach them things that they will not use a single day of their lives.

mooscall

One of the finer examples of the dichotomy of grace I've read in a long, long time. Because of the grace you extended, she's spending time with a son who is holding on for life - a son who might not be around today or tomorrow because of the choices he has made (a result of family of origin issues, as you pointed out in the blog entry). Yet her decision making shows her as a user who manipulates to get the things that she needs in life rather than work for it herself.

Extending grace to others is never something that we should expect to build ourselves up or make us feel better. Clearly, extending grace does mean that sometimes we get used. We hope and pray for the best in cases where we do (and that God can help them overcome their troubles).

As Ando points out, God asks us to "go and sin no more". Sometimes, though, it takes the light of grace to be able to see the sin.

glassdarkly

"You see the problem, don’t you? I mean, it is no big deal to help a friend when she finds herself in trouble after doing everything right. It’s a whole different thing, however..."

In my view, that passage is the crux of the issue, and I appreciate your thoughts on walking the thin line of giving grace. Marlena clearly isn't doing much right in life, but I suppose neither were any of us when God graced us with His Son. Echoing ando, there are no pat answers, but that does not preclude us from praying and wrestling and seeking anyway, and I am encouraged by your labor of love in such a tough situation, even if occasionally we cross the line and enable destructive behavior.

I often think about how pathetic my attempts at giving grace may seem to someone on the outside, but then I am reminded that God and God alone is the judge of that. As usual, no need to worry--let us simply trust.

sharmini

I am not an expert in the giving of grace, and Bart is clearly more practised in this area than me.
Merely offering my observations.
One the rare occasions when I stop to think about it (today is one of those days), I wince to think of how often I presume upon God's grace. Even, and perhaps especially, when my troubles are of my own making. My self-destructive behaviour is not as obvious as that of Marlena, but it is there. I don't think that God condones it, but I do think God is gracious in repeatedly offering undeserved assistance.
It strikes me that there is some brokenness that just doesn't get fixed until heaven, whatever that might be. And sometimes that brokenness leaves jagged edges that hurt ourselves and other people.
Grace is never the same as real friendship, although obviously not mutually exclusive.
Which all sounds very clean and nice, but it isn't.
Hang in there.

JamesM

Thank you for sharing with us this very real struggle. All I can say is hang in there.

alj

We each have to make decisions about how to extend the grace that God has given us.

I think there is a value in being able to see how we make decisions about to whom we extend grace. Jesus moved from town to town to proclaim the coming of the "nation" of God. Jesus didn't heal everyone, he didn't feed everyone.

I in my own community need to understand how/to whom I am called to extend God's grace. For me the challenge is to be listening to God, testing with my Christian brothers and sisters how I am choosing to extend God's grace.

It is very hard.

Lord_Voldemort

Bart,

I don't have any good answers. One would be tempted to say that she's taking advantage of you and that you need to cut her off at some point, for both her own good and your own, but at this safe distance I really don't know.

I think what you are encountering though is there's a reason why big programs directed by a central authority are bound to fail -- the judgment calls are tough enough for those on the ground, and would be impossible for a rule-maker in an office a day's drive away.

We live in an age of technocrats, of engineers who are inclined to believe that there's a technical solution to every problem. But the human heart is complicated and deceptive and doesn't reliably follow any equation, pattern, or set of rules. Marlena herself probably doesn't realize what kinds of games she's playing, or how she's hurting herself by constantly playing them. How can the director of a program, even one with gazillions of dollars, comprehend her motivations from a desk in an office overlooking the Potomac or the Olentangy?

No, you aren't offering just another program. "Just another program" would be even less effective. You're there, you know better than anyone, or at least you're in a better position than anyone else is to figure things out. Do the best you can, and trust God for guidance.

LV

Lord_Voldemort

Bart,

I think what you are encountering is the reason why big programs directed by a central authority, even one with oodles of money, are prone to backfire.

We live in a technocratic age, one in which we are tempted to think that there is a technical solution to every problem. But human beings are complicated and deceptive. People can't be relied on to follow any equation or pattern or set of rules. Marlena herself probably doesn't realize the extent of her own game playing. If she doesn't understand her own motivations, how can some official account for them from an office in Columbus or Washington DC?

You are there, which means you know better than just about anyone what is the best course of action, or at least you're in a better position to figure it out. So pray to God for guidance, and if he doesn't reveal anything explicitly (he seldom does but it doesn't hurt to ask) then do the best you can.

LV

letjusticerolldown

If Marlena were a VP for Fund Development for World Vision--we would all pay to attend her seminar. If she were Bill Clinton's fundraiser--she'd have free stays at the Whitehouse.

I like your line about persons not following any equation.

The basic response of Bart is right. And that is, the basic response is community to which Marlena can connect. It is then a journey of community involving a thousand messy decisions every week,

letjusticerolldown

Thanks Bart for good writing.

As years pass I become less tormented by these decisions. I don't know if it is because I have just formed habits that are comfortable or if the Lord has grown any wisdom in me.

I agree alot with the "hang in there" response. God uses the tensions, conflicts, paradoxes, of life--in a thousand ways. His ways are good The questions are part of His discipline. Accept them as a good gift from a loving God.

ando

I have always been impressed by Philip Yancey's stories of when he was a member of an inner-city Chicago church, and the "type" of people who found a home there. I;ve always been humbled by the church's ministry. They would have been the same ones Jesus often ministered to and hung around with. But they also knew their brokenness and how far they had fallen -- as we all have.

WaveTossed

Bart wrote: "so many of her immediate needs are caused by amoral, ghetto decision-making we would never tolerate in a real friend."

I might catch some flak over saying this. However, attributing Marlena's thought processes to "amoral, ghetto decision making" smacks of a very "liberal" sort of either ignorance or else racism and/or classism. It's as if poor, deprived Marlena can't be expected to take any responsibility for herself, but must be "lifted up" to the decision-making made by those who are presumably part of the non-ghetto middle class. So therefore any irresponsible decision-making that she does must be enabled and excused because of how she suffers from some sort of "amoral" decision-making process that exists only in the ghetto.

I am in recovery from alcohol/drug addiction and I haven't used or drank in many years. As we say in our recovery programs, "from Yale to jail." We don't distinguish between educated middle-class drunks/dope fiends and those drunks/dope fiends from the ghetto. We are all capable of the same sort of decision-making process and development of spirituality that can lead us to recovery.

Recovering alcoholics/addicts cannot afford to differentiate among ourselves based on where any individual alcoholic/addict might come from or how educated he/she might be. Our lives and recovery depend upon each and every one of us learning to take responsiblity for our own actions. We show love to each other; it's part of our recovery process. But sometimes, it's "tough love." We can see through the various manipulations and excuses because we've all been through that ourselves. So we don't fall prey to it.

I have no idea whether or not Marlena or any other of the people who come to your program for aid are addicted or not. It doesn't matter. Dysfunctional and self-destructive behavior is exactly that and should not be enabled. Help can be given out, but limits must be set, else the person you are trying to help can never learn to grow out of their self-destruction.

Many programs do set limits. For instance, only receiving food pantry aid once a month. As for rent loans, perhaps a repayment plan needs to be set up and no further loans given out until the borrower has paid back a substantial amount of the loan.

Of course adjustments can be made. If a person loses their job through no fault of their own, if they develop unexpected health problems, or other unexpected emergencies that call for more food or for more rent aid, then it can be given.

DaveInAustin

I agree that these are hard questions. Here are a couple of thoughts. One definition of grace: getting what you don't deserve. And a Khalil Gibran quote: "How mean am I when life gives me gold and I give you silver, and yet I deem myself generous." Just throwing those out there for more comment.

engagetheworld

I wonder, Bart, if it's really grace you're extending to Marlena at all. I ask because you use the following phrases, which I do not typically associate with God's grace: ghetto decision-making and ghetto drama. Just the word ghetto carries so much baggage and negative connotation that I cannot reconcile it with giving or receiving God's grace.

I think a better question to ask would be why do you associate poor decision-making and soap opera-like dramas with the word ghetto? Perhaps, unconsciously, you were attempting to convey something about Marlena and the neighborhood in which you find yourself.

However, I feel I really do know you and the place in which God has placed you. Through conversations and books, you have invited many of us to experience what you have and to consider some of the larger questions involved in being disciples of Christ.

I think, too, that God gives us grace to give grace, and that without it, we cannot be effective. Perhaps, the key is not to worry about what comes in return or response to grace (as it is unmerited), but to concentrate on ensuring that you pray for God to be active in Marlena's life, making the internal changes only possible with God-given and God-sustained measures of grace.